Last year I wrote a blog post on how to get better at receiving feedback, as a counterpoint to all the articles out there that are helping us get better at giving feedback. But there is little more frustrating than building oneself up to asking for feedback, only to be met with something along the lines of “It looks good to me” or, “You were fine”. Bland or what?! So this feels like the sequel to my original post; once we’ve prepared to ask for it, how can we help people give us feedback that is really useful?
Over many years both as giver and receiver of feedback, here are five things that I have found helpful:
- Be specific in your ask. General questions such as, ‘What do you think of this?’, ‘Do you have any feedback?’, ‘How did I do?’ may well get general responses. ‘You were great’, ‘I think it went fine’ If we can be specific, ‘Do you have any concrete thoughts on how I might improve my xyz?’, it makes it easier to give feedback and also signals to the giver that we aren’t going to be overstepping or providing unwanted feedback. With written feedback, I personally love it if the person gives me a deadline that they would like the feedback by.
- Give them time to think in advance. For most of us it’s hard to be put on the spot when asked for feedback. Particularly if it is specific or sensitive in nature. Letting someone know you’d love their feedback on something before it happens, allows them to pay attention in the conversation. Giving people a heads up you want their feedback also allows them to organize their thoughts in advance and be more coherent.
- Be clear why you want feedback from them specifically. Feedback requests I am most likely to ignore, are the ones where I suspect that they have asked everyone and I am not clear on my value add. If I am asked to give feedback on a particular aspect and why (e.g. I know that you know the context of this), I am much more likely to respond.
- Ask them how they best like to give feedback (verbally, written etc.). At the risk of beating a dead horse, for most of us, giving feedback is hard. Really hard. So, if we are soliciting feedback, finding out from the person their preferred style, makes it one step easier. Some folks love to give in conversation as it seems less formal. Some like space to note down thoughts. Just because we prefer one way doesn’t mean they will.
- Ask weird questions. OK maybe not weird, but asking an unusual question can not only help disrupt the other person’s thinking but it can also mean we get a more nuanced, thoughtful response. I listed some examples but the possibilities are infinite. Find questions that work for you.
- What would you do differently about this?
- What would you do if you were in my shoes?
- How would you suggest I know if this is ready?
- If there was one thing you’d draw my attention to as the most important what would it be?
- What stands out to you the most interesting about…?
And two additional thoughts that make it more likely for us to continue to get constructive feedback from this person in the future.
- Pay attention to how you respond. It is so tempting to get into a dialogue once we get feedback, to explain our rationale for why we did something that way. But when we do this, we a) start to sound defensive (whether or not we actually are) and b) we stop listening and absorbing the feedback to let it settle. Watching for what they are not saying is also important. Do you get a sense that they are hesitating or reluctant to vocalize something – is this something you might be curious about?
- Let them know how it was helpful. If we can circle back after the dust has settled and we have moved on and let the person know how the feedback was helpful, it helps to reinforce the kinds of feedback we need and makes it more likely that we will get it in the future.
