We know (most of us) how stressful it can be to have to give someone a piece of feedback that we or they can perceive as negative or critical. I spend quite a lot of my time, both in coaching and in workshops, exploring what makes it hard to give feedback and learning tools and strategies to be better able to do this – whether at work to those we manage, to our bosses or to our peers.
But what about the stress of receiving feedback? I haven’t seen many standalone trainings focused on that aspect of conversation.
Being on the receiving end of feedback is also incredibly stressful and activating to our nervous system – David Rock writes that in MRI scans, the same parts of the brain light up when we are about to receive feedback as when we are being followed down the street in the dark by a stranger. Anticipation of getting feedback activates, for most of us, the part of our brain that is wired for survival, triggering the same hormones that would prepare us to run or fight if we were physically attacked. And while this is our brain doing it’s best to keep us safe, it also means that we often aren’t able to take away the message from the feedback and learn from it – when we hear the phrase ‘feedback is a gift’ – it’s true. But only if we don’t drop the gift and run in the opposite direction or throw it directly back at the giver!
There are no simple ways to completely override our brain but there are some strategies to help manage it:
- Actively ask for feedback – be proactive don’t wait for the feedback to come to you. When we take ‘control’ we become agents in the conversation, not victims/passive recipients and brain scans show this calms our brain and makes us more receptive. We also signal to ourselves that this is something we actively are seeking out. Notice too what your response to positive feedback is – sometimes this is as hard as the more critical feedback.
- Find ways to get lots of feedback – the more we can be in environments where feedback, caringly given, is the norm, the more our nervous systems learn that this is not actually a threatening situation.
- Know yourself – if there are things going on in your life which are causing you to feel particularly vulnerable or you have something particularly stressful going on, chances are you are more likely to have a reaction. Ask to reschedule.
- In the conversation listen for things that are to do with behaviors or actions or things that you could actually do differently. Remember that this is their truth and it may or may not be an accurate reflection of what happened. Ask for more details if you are confused. General feedback like ‘this presentation was no good’, or ‘I didn’t like your tone in that meeting’ isn’t specific enough for us to take action on.
- Have grace for yourself and for the person who is giving you feedback. Remember it is probably really stressful for them too, for all the reasons mentioned above, and that this may cause them to be less skilled or graceful that they would like to be.
- When you notice yourself having a limbic reaction pause and take a breath and double check with yourself what you really heard. Remember you don’t have to respond in the moment and asking for time to process can be really helpful.
- At the end thank the other person and (internally) yourself for making the time and courage to do this. If we want feedback to keep coming from people we have to let them know that this hasn’t disrupted our social connection. Think about what you are going to do with the feedback and make a concrete commitment to doing that so that you get to a sense of closure rather than letting it spin round and round in your head.
- Practice giving feedback regularly as a way to remember that feedback is a gift we can both give and receive – giving it makes us more open and empathetic when we are receiving it too. If we are defensive then it is more likely the person won’t share honest feedback with us in the future.
This practice is really important not just in our professional lives but also outside work. How often do we not share what’s really going on because of fear of hurting other’s feelings but by not doing so, inadvertently damage the relationship anyway. I wonder how many friends and family might have really valuable insights for me that they haven’t shared because they are worried about how I might respond.
Resources:
- As I was writing this blog I came across an article from the Harvard Business Review, The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice by Garvin and Margolis. It’s focused on advice rather than feedback but there are overlaps and I recommend it as a read. This quote particularly struck me and I think you can switch out the word ‘advice’ for ‘feedback’:
If you’re a seeker of advice, don’t hesitate to solicit a second or third opinion – particularly if you remain uncertain. This can offset any biases of conflicts of interest your adviser may have
- Managing with the Brain in Mind is one of my favorite articles by David Rock of the Neuroleadership Institute and all the brain references in this blog come from this article .
