If I ask you to think of a butterfly, most likely an image pops into your head. Maybe of the butterfly at the end of Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar, maybe a Red Admiral or Cabbage White if you grew up like me in the South of England, maybe a big yellow swallowtail which are the ones we see here in Oregon. And maybe something completely different. I took this photo at a butterfly sanctuary in the UK – this is nothing like any butterfly I have ever seen before and certainly not what I would usually bring to mind if asked to think of a butterfly. Beautiful – but completely different.
So I say ‘think of a butterfly’ and most of us immediately have an image in our head and the chances are that none of the butterflies we are thinking of look alike. But we also don’t know that. And have a tendency to think that the short hand label means that we will all be evoking the same thing.
Now maybe with butterflies that’s OK.
But what about when somebody says that they had a really intense day. Or that they are feeling really confused about something.
Or what about when someone tells me they got a promotion. Or a divorce. And I immediately think about how I would feel if that was to be me and I assume that they will be experiencing the same emotion I am and respond with ‘that’s great’ or ‘that’s terrible’ or ‘how can you possibly do that?’. If the person is feeling differently, it can make them feel discounted or invisible or as though our response is ‘wrong’. I know that I have been on the receiving end of a reaction which is completely different to the one I was having and/or expecting. I also know I have done that at times to others – I see it immediately on their faces.
So I am learning, rather than responding with a statement that evokes of my own feeling to get curious instead. “What do you mean by intense?”, “I’d love to hear a little bit more about that”, “I’m not quite sure how that landed with you – I’d love you to fill me in”.
Sometimes I get a witheringly blank stare “well of course this feels great/lousy – you idiot!”. But often I see the other person pause and take stock and dig deeper into their own feelings. For example, perhaps not getting a promotion creates feelings of disappointment in me. Or maybe it creates a mixture of anger but also relief. Maybe it motivates me to start looking for what I really want to be doing next. Or maybe I circle back to understand what I need to do differently if I really want the promotion. This questioning and making time to pause is a critical part of a coaching relationship. But it’s also important in all the other important relationships in my life – professional and personal
When we are invited to question things we start to notice what is truly our own feeling, distinct in that moment and what are feelings we are having because they are what is expected of us, or the typical response. And we may or may not be feeling what is ‘typical’. When we are given space to feel what we are really feeling, we may discover that there are many layers and nuances beyond the first response. And that gives a pause moment to choose how we respond. We have more agency over ourselves.
The obvious questions are often the ones that don’t get asked – and then we miss seeing the whole range of butterflies that are out there in the world.
Next time someone asks you to think of a butterfly – pause before you land on a final response. After all the term for a group of butterflies is a kaleidoscope!
Addendum: I recently had a conversation about what it means to be a ‘good manager’ and that term for me feels like a perfect example of a ‘butterfly’ that we all would imagine differently and yet we all assume is the same to other people.
